I'm going to go back to the first blog i posted, the one about love. The million different kinds.
Because over the past 6 months I think I have learned more about it then I ever thought I did. I learned one kind of love.
One that masked the rest, one that made all of them make sense. One that makes you look at sun rises different. One the changed my heart forever.
I learned a logical love. I learned a terrifing love. I learned a heart melting love. I learned a miture love. I learned the love I have longed for. One that changes who you are forever. I learned the love I want to be in.
And you guys may laugh at this, truth be told, I am too. Because I cannot believe I'm saying a "logical love" is there such a thing? Or I'm cracking up about the miture love part execpt I'm serious. haha. Is that sad? I think so but this whole thing has been so new to me.
Last July I met a love that holds be responsible! What the heck? huh! But really I met a love that doesn't just let me bail when things get rough, and believe me I tried. A love that sticks threw the wrost things ever! A love that sticks during my altime highs! A love that brings me a smile so big i almost start to laugh, (actually i have before i'm the crazy lady you see at stop lights just laughing so hard alone, in my defense i'm just so happy i don't know what else to do!) but most of all a love that broke me heart in ways I didn't know could. I literally felt like it shatter I think! A love the brings me tears til there are none left, sometimes it's becase I'm laughing so hard or because I had never cried so hard before! This is the kind of love I had never felt before, because this makes me be the women I was called to be. It's the kind of love that makes you grow and work through things. It's odd I'm not in high school anymore I have met the "big girl" love and I think I am ok with it.
But I think what gets me the most, what touches me the deepest is that this love, has met my heart, my inner self, the red-neck, anti-person, the grow old on acres of land with no internet, the white picket fence, the 23 million children running around, the work till your back breaks, the true blue Jenalee Victoria Johnson, and this man chooses to love it. Better yet he chooses to love it and bring it to reality, he has met my fanitcy and has choosen to see it through and break every part of it so honestly so heart-feltly. He has choosen to accept my fantisy and create a new one that fills both of ours.
I call this kind of love a "logical love" because it makes sense to my brain not just my heart. This love made me think with my head, feel with my heart, but most of all think with my head. Even after thinking with my head I still wanted to be there. I still wanted it. It still made sense. We got along perfect we balaced eachother out. We made eachother laugh, we made eachother cry. We encouraged eachother. We were there for eachother. (These refere to our ups when i was actually who i shlould of been) We listened. We joked. We were silent. We were what we needed to be.
Last July I met my best friend and it took me 6 months to figure it out. Someone who I could trust and I am still figuring that out. I met forgivness, fun, laughter, tears, heartbreak, and understanding. I met someone who could single handingly tear me apart like an onion. He tore me open. The only one who has proven time and time again he was worth opening up for.
It's funny though because I met someone who I tierd everything I could to scare away, I treated him horrible, I hurt him, and I kept myself closed.
But you know what happened? He stuck around he delt with me, he chased me, he was there for me, and he decided I was worth it. For whatever wierd reason. For whatever reason god put in his head that I was worth him, I cannot thank him enough because you know what yall? He is waiting for me. He is waiting for me to figure out everything he is. Everything we are. Everything I should be.
But i cannot even say how blessed I am to have met him, because like I was saying it was the kind one love that changes sunrises. And forever I will be different.
This man made me want to be better, made me see who I could be and helped me want it. Made me see my goals and made me try for them.
The biggest thing about it was he taught me to want things for myself and he taught me the feeling of having someone around while I achieved them. He taught me to dream for myself and not for everyone else. He taught me that achieving for myself could bring me happiness. He showed me that dreaming for everyone else isn't how you cover up being alone.
I found this love and I learned the depth of the friendship I had came across, I ran like hell.
Actually I did everything I could to make him run.
I found what I wanted and it scared me that I had it.
It scared to me to feel like I wasn't alone anymore.
It scared me to trust.
I have been so good at walking the walk but never feeling what my feet were touching.
If this fails I will know that it will never be in vain he has brought me more in 6 months then i have accomplished in 18 years. It took me days after it left to figure it all out. I'm dissapointed in myself for being so stubborn to see the stone in my hand was actually a diamond. I'm so dissapointed in myself to treat him the way I did. I have acted in ways I will never be proud of and I have been someone I will never want to be.
I think it's all part of growing up. But I wish I could make it all a little easier! But I can tell you now I'm a new person now, well I'm the same just a little wiser. I hope anyways. I know the road ahead is rough and long, but I can only hope that it will be a road that sees threw. I only hope, I have met forgivness strong enough to understand to see it through with me. I can only hope I will grow into a women strong enough to in time be half the man he had been to me.
If the friendship fails, the love I hold for it will not. The love I have learned will not. This love will not fail me.
Like an older post everyone is here for a reason, a season, of a lifetime. For whatever one he is here I do not know but I know whatever it is I'm ok with. My heart wishes it was a lifetime but then again my heart is only 18, and what does it know? So my head will make it accept that if it's a season I will call it My Summer. The new sun that has shown during this Summer, will make me look at every winter different. The sun that has shown has has made the foggy rains not poor but just rain. The sun that has shown, has made me one step closer to being who I have been created to be.
This love I have not found a way to fall out of. This love I'm trapt in and I thank god for trapping me in. I want to fight and keep this love for as long as I can. I want to grow up in this love, I hope i do. I pray I get to keep my best friend around to see me threw alot more stages in life. It makes them easier. It keeps my heart filled when the world wants to drain them.
So dear my best friend I'm sorry that you probly never knew all you have done for me. I'm sorry I have such a hard time telling you everything my head says to me. I'm sorry I cannot show you how my heart feels. I'm sorry it took me making you leave to make me see what I really want. But I do know what it is now, and that's keeping you in my life. Because it's how it's ment to be. And most of all best friend I'm sorry for never treating you right, you deserve so much more, but I want you to know that's what I'm trying to do. I'm working towards a better me. And not just for you but for myself. You just pushed me to see it. I can never repay you for everything you have been to me but I want to try. I want to be there for you and see your day to day life with me standing beside you. I'm sorry it took me 6 months to figure out what you knew so fast. I'm a little behind and probly always be. It could be my age but I'm going to show you I can beat it and be there for you. Please just let me. I am so in Love with you!!
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