New Year, New Ways.

Its been a long time and I have so many thoughts I have no clue where to start.

Due to the new year, I have made a new plan of attack for my life.

I have decided by summer I'm moving off the mountain and going to school, getting an apartment, and hoping a fresh start to get my life back on track to where I want it to be.

I am very proud of my life now.

I think I have done pretty good.

But its not what I dream of and not who I dream to be.

So this is the year to chase my dreams and make them reality.

I want to grow stronger as a person.

I want to become more independent.

I want to become reliable.

I want to settle in my dream job.

I want to prepare myself for the family life I dream of.

This is also the year I'm going to learn to put myself as number one a little more.

I need to start to learn to take care of myself before everyone else sometimes.

I think most of all this year I find someone to be steady with me though.

I'm ready to be serious.

And work towards a family.

I pray god sees the same thing for me.



Tap on my window Knock on my door.

I'ts not always rainbows and the sun doesn't always shine.

It won"t always be fairytale beautiful.

I wont always have highheels and make up on.

I can't always tell you what you want to hear.

I can promise to listen.

I will promise to try.

It's a fact I will be there.

I just want it to work so much it hurts.



Everything inside Screams for somthing MORE

What happens when you wake up and realize your childhood dream at 5 was the only dream that mattered.
What happens when you wake up to find all the things you once longed for were shoved aside because it wasn't logical. It was not the smart way to live.
What happens when you wake up and see that you are not looking for the smart way to live.
You are the one willing to risk it all, your the one who was born to jump.
YOU ARE THE ONE BORN TO TAKE THE "WRONG" ROAD!

I think i just woke up...

I have focused my life around my career, I'm 18 who does that?
I have focused my life around building a secure life, I'm 18 who does that?
I have focused all my dreaming on achieving this "safe" life that insures money, I'm 18 who does that?

I think i just woke up...

What if i was born to find something more in life besides security.

I think i just woke up...

I can see that really all i have wanted my whole life is my husband my kids and my heartfulfilled.
When has money mattered to me?
When have ever been the one to worry about securing my future?
I'm 18!! I'm 18!!
I need to figure that out! I'M 18!!!!
I know don't throw away what you have going, I know im ahead of the game, I'm doing awesome!
i know i contuine on my job, i finish school by 21 the rest of my life is set!!
But you know what i think?
If i do that i think my life has not even began, i think my life will be even more less meaningful then now.
I want to live crazy i want to live wild and stupid you know why?
That is who i was born to be.

I think it's time to throw everything away when my heart tells me to, i think its time to live crazy, i think it's time to chase my prince charming when he comes along, i think it's time my sail felt the wind.

I think i just woke up...

I am going to run to vegas, I'm going to move to Texas, I'm going to find my childhood dream of undying love, and I'm going to live off impulses!

ughhh

Why is it so hard for me to answer when someone says "What are you thinking?"



It's time to feel what my feet are touching.

I'm going to go back to the first blog i posted, the one about love. The million different kinds.

Because over the past 6 months I think I have learned more about it then I ever thought I did. I learned one kind of love.

One that masked the rest, one that made all of them make sense. One that makes you look at sun rises different. One the changed my heart forever.

I learned a logical love. I learned a terrifing love. I learned a heart melting love. I learned a miture love. I learned the love I have longed for. One that changes who you are forever. I learned the love I want to be in.

And you guys may laugh at this, truth be told, I am too. Because I cannot believe I'm saying a "logical love" is there such a thing? Or I'm cracking up about the miture love part execpt I'm serious. haha. Is that sad? I think so but this whole thing has been so new to me.

Last July I met a love that holds be responsible! What the heck? huh! But really I met a love that doesn't just let me bail when things get rough, and believe me I tried. A love that sticks threw the wrost things ever! A love that sticks during my altime highs! A love that brings me a smile so big i almost start to laugh, (actually i have before i'm the crazy lady you see at stop lights just laughing so hard alone, in my defense i'm just so happy i don't know what else to do!) but most of all a love that broke me heart in ways I didn't know could. I literally felt like it shatter I think! A love the brings me tears til there are none left, sometimes it's becase I'm laughing so hard or because I had never cried so hard before! This is the kind of love I had never felt before, because this makes me be the women I was called to be. It's the kind of love that makes you grow and work through things. It's odd I'm not in high school anymore I have met the "big girl" love and I think I am ok with it.

But I think what gets me the most, what touches me the deepest is that this love, has met my heart, my inner self, the red-neck, anti-person, the grow old on acres of land with no internet, the white picket fence, the 23 million children running around, the work till your back breaks, the true blue Jenalee Victoria Johnson, and this man chooses to love it. Better yet he chooses to love it and bring it to reality, he has met my fanitcy and has choosen to see it through and break every part of it so honestly so heart-feltly. He has choosen to accept my fantisy and create a new one that fills both of ours.

I call this kind of love a "logical love" because it makes sense to my brain not just my heart. This love made me think with my head, feel with my heart, but most of all think with my head. Even after thinking with my head I still wanted to be there. I still wanted it. It still made sense. We got along perfect we balaced eachother out. We made eachother laugh, we made eachother cry. We encouraged eachother. We were there for eachother. (These refere to our ups when i was actually who i shlould of been) We listened. We joked. We were silent. We were what we needed to be.

Last July I met my best friend and it took me 6 months to figure it out. Someone who I could trust and I am still figuring that out. I met forgivness, fun, laughter, tears, heartbreak, and understanding. I met someone who could single handingly tear me apart like an onion. He tore me open. The only one who has proven time and time again he was worth opening up for.

It's funny though because I met someone who I tierd everything I could to scare away, I treated him horrible, I hurt him, and I kept myself closed.

But you know what happened? He stuck around he delt with me, he chased me, he was there for me, and he decided I was worth it. For whatever wierd reason. For whatever reason god put in his head that I was worth him, I cannot thank him enough because you know what yall? He is waiting for me. He is waiting for me to figure out everything he is. Everything we are. Everything I should be.

But i cannot even say how blessed I am to have met him, because like I was saying it was the kind one love that changes sunrises. And forever I will be different.

This man made me want to be better, made me see who I could be and helped me want it. Made me see my goals and made me try for them.

The biggest thing about it was he taught me to want things for myself and he taught me the feeling of having someone around while I achieved them. He taught me to dream for myself and not for everyone else. He taught me that achieving for myself could bring me happiness. He showed me that dreaming for everyone else isn't how you cover up being alone.

I found this love and I learned the depth of the friendship I had came across, I ran like hell.

Actually I did everything I could to make him run.

I found what I wanted and it scared me that I had it.

It scared to me to feel like I wasn't alone anymore.

It scared me to trust.

I have been so good at walking the walk but never feeling what my feet were touching.

If this fails I will know that it will never be in vain he has brought me more in 6 months then i have accomplished in 18 years. It took me days after it left to figure it all out. I'm dissapointed in myself for being so stubborn to see the stone in my hand was actually a diamond. I'm so dissapointed in myself to treat him the way I did. I have acted in ways I will never be proud of and I have been someone I will never want to be.

I think it's all part of growing up. But I wish I could make it all a little easier! But I can tell you now I'm a new person now, well I'm the same just a little wiser. I hope anyways. I know the road ahead is rough and long, but I can only hope that it will be a road that sees threw. I only hope, I have met forgivness strong enough to understand to see it through with me. I can only hope I will grow into a women strong enough to in time be half the man he had been to me.

If the friendship fails, the love I hold for it will not. The love I have learned will not. This love will not fail me.

Like an older post everyone is here for a reason, a season, of a lifetime. For whatever one he is here I do not know but I know whatever it is I'm ok with. My heart wishes it was a lifetime but then again my heart is only 18, and what does it know? So my head will make it accept that if it's a season I will call it My Summer. The new sun that has shown during this Summer, will make me look at every winter different. The sun that has shown has has made the foggy rains not poor but just rain. The sun that has shown, has made me one step closer to being who I have been created to be.

This love I have not found a way to fall out of. This love I'm trapt in and I thank god for trapping me in. I want to fight and keep this love for as long as I can. I want to grow up in this love, I hope i do. I pray I get to keep my best friend around to see me threw alot more stages in life. It makes them easier. It keeps my heart filled when the world wants to drain them.

So dear my best friend I'm sorry that you probly never knew all you have done for me. I'm sorry I have such a hard time telling you everything my head says to me. I'm sorry I cannot show you how my heart feels. I'm sorry it took me making you leave to make me see what I really want. But I do know what it is now, and that's keeping you in my life. Because it's how it's ment to be. And most of all best friend I'm sorry for never treating you right, you deserve so much more, but I want you to know that's what I'm trying to do. I'm working towards a better me. And not just for you but for myself. You just pushed me to see it. I can never repay you for everything you have been to me but I want to try. I want to be there for you and see your day to day life with me standing beside you. I'm sorry it took me 6 months to figure out what you knew so fast. I'm a little behind and probly always be. It could be my age but I'm going to show you I can beat it and be there for you. Please just let me. I am so in Love with you!! 

what will you legacy be?

So tonight i'm letting it all out i'm getting personal i'm going to ramble and empty what feels like never ending brain.

So reading a book today that just has quotes i came across this one;

"What will your legacy be?"

and now thats all i can think about because when you think when you die you will no longer be able to tell people who you are, you will only have the trail of footprints left behind.

And i don't know about you but that is scarry as hell.

Every action, every conversation, everything you do makes you into who you are.

And even though you don't have to be dead for people to judge you by these, when you are dead that's the ONLY thing they judge you on.

And the only thing you leave behind is what you have done.

Now when i think about this, I want my legacy to be inspiring.

I want to live a life that will change others. I want my legacy to be faithful, passionate, hopeful, joyful, full of love, and everyone to just see me as one who has lived with passion in everything i did.

I want my life to change the world, waether it's a tiny thing like changing one persons life or five i know it will start a chain.

And reading that today got me thinking am i doing this?

Am I living everyday to mold my legacy?

Where am i leaving my footprints?

To be honest looking back I cannot say i'm so proud of where my footprints are, i have been places, been with people, acting in ways i don't want my footprints to show.

So i guess today is the day, today i will stop those paths and create ones i can go to sleep everynight not worrying about what is left behind but rather have a path of pride becasue it shows where my heart is and the person i want to be.

And a place to start is to fix the broken footprint and to re-direct some.

Due to a recent heartbreak i think i'm more emotional about it all.

But i think that's a great place to start. I think it will only push me more to change everything i need to. I think it will feel more hurt feel more pride and feel more accomplishment. Becasue i think that's what needs to happen.

Living a life numb, living a life with a frozen heart is the biggest waste of a life.

That's not who i want to be.

I dream big but forget to dream small, dream personal.

I forget to worry about what i'm doing to my heart.

And by doing that i can break other people's heart.

So first i want to appolgize to those i have broken in my self-destructive habbits and my non-thinking, for lack of better words, way of life.

I want to be some one so amazing all the time i forget it takes time, it takes strength it takes more then thinking it all. I forget to tell some people how i really feel abut them, or i think most of all i forget to treat you like i really feel.

I'm so good at being mean, busy, rude, bitchy, because it's so much easier then being caring, loving, and making time to go the extra mile.

I think i do this all most of all because when you don't open up or put passion in it, you never get hurt you never have to feel failure feel dissapointed. Isn't that nice? Wouldn't life be great if that was ok.

Well i think the last two days has tought me that the feeling of failure is the wrost feeling ever.

And that i never want to feel it again, but before i failed and i felt accomplished it was the best thing i have ever felt and i want it back.

So all in all it's worth the fall.

Because my footprint will be found on the top of the mountain, and when they start to slide down they will turn around and hike back up.

I will change my ways i will open up i will accept love.

Because if there is anything my heart is calling for it's love.

Everytime it got there i shut it down, i found a problem, i have created my own ways to kill it, i have let my footprints run back down to the cave at the bottom of the mountain and stop.

I'm sick of my cave.

Today i will change it all i will re-write my legacy!!!!

It will take baby steps, pain, tears, sweat, and determination.

It will be worth everything i will sacrafice it will be worth every failure along the way becasue when i get to the top my heart for once will be open it will be free it will be full of love and most of all it will be content and proud.

I will long for this day, but i will remember to dream personal along the way.

thanksgiving night.

so i have not blogged in a while due to lack of access to the internet.

but i got it tonight and im glad there is alot on my mind

due to the day of course!

so i guess for tradition i'll start by saying how thankful i am for my life!

im very blessed as we all are in america

so first of all and mostly thankful for our amazing brave service men.

they are truly amazin and have all my thanks and my thoughts they are able to come home to theirs familes soon if they are over seas and for the ones home i hope they get to be with their loved ones and kick back a few breers they deserve it!

so thank you to all our millitary men and women!

my true heros for sure!

next to my friends who have really turned into my famlies

sarah chelsea fiorella hannah gracie marion my boys and cj.

thank you for always "having my back" and always being there you all have truly changed my life and done things i can never thank you for!

i love you all so much!

and my real family of course!

my mom this really im very thankful for!

thank you for all the help mother!

even threw the "disagreements" i know i always have you thank you i love you!

and i really enjoy working with you!

which brings me into the next one my job!!!!

its really a blessing to have my job its  a great learning exsperince for me and am very blessed to be able to enjoy and have passion while working.

thats not something we get everyday! so im very thankful for it!

well i really could go on forever and ever but those are some big ones!

so next today has really just made me think about everything in my life as it should,

and i really just want to say that this past year has been the best year in my life!

so many things have happened and some how i always came up swinging.

this year i think i have really started the foundation to a life full of happiness and a life that i can be proud of.

i have found strength inside me to do things i have dreamed about.

i have found who i want to be and am working everyday.

i think this year most of all i found peace.

which is a new thing.

i have learned its time to mourn the loss and to except the new with a full heart.

and man does it feel good.

not everything is in your power but the things that are its today that it needs to be changed.

and the things out of your control, you must see the glass half full and embrace it with a smile on your face and heart.

because nothing is worth letting you from being you and being who you want to be.

anyways im geting tierd so i'll shut up! =]